My Christmas gift to you

I've been writing and rewriting this in my head for years.  This is the first time I have put it down "on paper".  Feel free to borrow it, use it, modify it, comment on it, etc.  I don't believe it violates any basic tenets of the faith.  I used "us" and not "me" because Communion is a community sacrament.

Prayer After Communion.
Heavenly Father, may this reception of the body and blood of Your Son, Jesus Christ bring peace to those of us who receive it.  May this sacrament fill us with every grace, blessing and healing that we need to be better imitators of Christ and help build a dim reflection of Your heaven here on earth.  May it keep us and sustain us until we next receive this sacrament.  We ask this in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

(Funny, a lot harder to write than to say.  The words come so easily in my prayer after communion.  I had to struggle to remember them here and now, out of context)

A Quiet Time (Still)

It is a good time of the year to be quiet.  I've started the Spiritual Exercises and there is little to report on my application.  The next "big thing" is my psychological screening scheduled for the first week of January.  I believe that should complete my application for sponsorship. 

February will bring the vocation retreat again (You may recall that I went on it last year as well).  It will also be the month where I might expect to hear an answer from the diocese about sponsorship. 

A tough day

Today is the one year anniversary of Carmen's death.  I thank God on a regular basis for loaning her to me for 30+ years, but there is still a big hole in my life where my best friend and wife used to be.

Friends and family joined me yesterday at a memorial Mass in her honor.  We gathered here at home after a quick trip to the cemetery.  We shared a meal and some stories about Carmen.  It was a good thing to do.

So why am I sitting here crying?  Because I'm human and I miss her..

The Application continues

I met with Fr. H., the vocation director this evening.  All is progressing nicely.  Every interviewer had the same red flag (It may be too early to enter the seminary since it has not even been a year since his wife died).  But every interviewer also said based on the longer term calling (since Junior High), it is probably not a problem.

I'll be getting information in the next week about the psychological screening.   I should expect an answer about sponsorship at the end of January or beginning of February.  That will be just in time for the next vocation retreat.

A Quiet Time

There is not a lot going on from my standpoint with the application process.  I have completed the 2 interviews with priests.  Next will be the psychological screening.  I still need to write a 2 page essay on my understanding and appreciation of the priesthood.

I know that my reference letters are coming in slowly.  I've received copies of a couple.  They are treasured reading. 

I continue to meet with my spiritual adviser.  He is a godsend in my life.  I am scheduled to meet with Fr H in the vocation office a couple days after Thanksgiving.  I'm sure I'll have an update after that meeting.

Interviews

I met with Fr. N. on Monday to complete my cycle of interviews with priests.  In my opinion, it went well.  It was a good conversation with some tougher questions than I've had at other interviews.  I guess I'll find out how it went soon.  

Interviews

I met with the "other Fr. H." in the vocation office on Wednesday night.  He is one of two priests that I need to interview with as part of the application process.  The interview went very well, in my opinion.  There were a lot of back and forth conversations.   I think I handled the questions he posed well.  I left with a good feeling about the interview.  Now to interview with Fr. N. on Monday.

The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius

Each year I see the invitation and there is always a reason to say "no".  There are many reasons to say "no" this year as well, but I said "yes".  I'll make the time and find a way to make it happen.

excerpt from the announcement...
The Spiritual Exercises begin on Wednesday, December 8, 2010 and end on May 11, 2011 - at 23 week time of grace and prayer - we will meet weekly on Wednesday evenings  - the weekly meetings begin at 7 PM and end at 9 PM - the daily prayer commitment is about an hour or so - this is the 15th year we are offering the Spiritual Exercises

Spiritual Autobiography - Part 6 - Priesthood and Ministry

My first memories that I can recall about becoming a priest were in elementary school as an altar server. I pictured myself on the altar celebrating the Mass.

Every time that I have pictured myself as a priest, it has been in a parish. I think the daily life of celebrating the Eucharist and working with the community of believers is what has attracted me to the diocesan priesthood rather than a religious order. I know that the ordered priest has these same opportunities, but it is not their focus.

Well, it is certainly not the weather that is drawing me to Boston. I’ve lived in Maine and Massachusetts for most of my life. I like the local ties, my family is mostly in Maine and New Hampshire. It also occurs to me that the Archdiocese is in need of priests. With the recent problems here, I feel God is calling me to help mend bridges. I know that sounds less than humble, but it is the feeling that I get. Maybe I can help a little to bring a bit of faith and trust back to a parish and community.

I’ve admired Father JS since I first met him. To me, he is the model of a parish priest. I’ve never seen him get upset. Even when he has to correct someone, he does it with gentleness and love. He seems full of life and humor. Yet, he can be serious and explain concepts so that even I understand.

I can think of two long term ministries that I have been involved with. First is the music ministry. I started playing the organ at Mass in junior high school. I’ve had a pretty much unbroken streak since that time. Our music group prays together before Mass and prays that we are instruments for God and are encouraging to congregation to participate. When I sing or cantor, I try to pray the words that I am singing and remind myself that it is not about me, it is about God. I have also volunteered at local (and not so local) prisons for the last 10 years. I attend faith sharing, Eucharistic services and retreats as I can. While many think this is a great sacrifice, I get more out of those experiences than I put in. God is present in the men in prison. Their faith is amazing to those of us who see it.

The idea of being a priest has crossed my mind since I was an altar server. I considered it in high school and in college. If I had not met Carmen in college, it may have happened long ago. About a week after Carmen died, the proverbial two by four hit me in the head. It was like God saying, “Now will you come and be a priest for me?” Since then, there are been many little signs of encouragement (more coincidences?) along the path. I don’t know if I have a vocation or not. But I am willing to quit my job and spend the time discerning at the seminary to find out.

Spiritual Autobiography - Part 5 - Personal Faith and Religion

My first experience of the presence of God was at Mass in the Newman Center at college. In that stark concrete building filled with other college students, I sensed His presence in the Eucharist. Since that time, I’ve discovered God in the coincidences in my life. Some of these things are just impossible without some divine prodding to make them happen.

Since I’ve been on this path towards becoming a seminarian, I’ve been praying the morning and evening prayers from the Divine Office most every day. I’ve been taking some time at night for quiet prayer, reflection on the day and giving thanks. I also participate in the Mass and other forms of group prayer with vigor.

I learn a lot about God from my spiritual directors, from my readings of Christian and Catholic books, from listening to peoples stories. I’ve been blessed with many wonderful examples of God’s love in the form of people in my life.

To me “church” is about the people gathered to worship God. It is not about the building, but the living Christ in each of us gathering to be one. I am blessed to be part of a very active parish. I have lent my skills to the RCIA program, Generations of Faith (Adult Education), Living with Christ, Cursillo, prison outreach (retreats, visits and Eucharistic services) and, of course, 35 years as a church musician (organist, choir member, cantor). I am a cradle Catholic and while I have had times where I went pretty rote, I never left the Church.

I’ve questioned some of the Church’s teachings, but never felt at odds with the Church. I frequently find that when I study the teaching, I get a better understanding of the Church’s position.

The Church does need to be a voice for good in the world. I have seen this done most effectively at the parish level with good and pastoral priests. It is unfortunate that in today’s world, proclamations from the Vatican are mostly ignored and ridiculed. Perhaps local growth and resurgence of the faith is the best approach.

Spiritual Autobiography - Part 4 - Outlook on Life

I guess my philosophy of life is this: Take each day as it comes. Try to do a little good where you can. I try to remember my wife’s wisdom: There are no bad days, just bad moments.

I’m a pretty good organist and a poor pianist. I’ve been told that I am an excellent public speaker (Thanks Toastmasters). I’m not a brilliant conversationalist, but I’m a pretty good listener. I am very good at organizing and starting activities, but then step back to let others run with them.

Exercise and I are not the best of friends. I exercise because I must to keep my Type 2 diabetes (my only significant health issue) under control. Most of my exercise is brisk walking either outside or on my treadmill. I walk with neighbors if our schedules allow.

My free time will find me puttering around the house, playing games, browsing the internet or exchanging online correspondence on the computer. I’m a voracious reader splitting my reading between Christian books and science fiction. I do also watch TV and movies and playing the organ/piano. I have a lot of interests and spread my time among them.

I’m pretty easy going and don’t get anxious too often. When I do, it’s when a new pain or sensation makes me ponder my mortality. I’ve found that the Jesus Prayer helps me through this when it happens.

I think people describe me as stoic, easy going, reserved, or multidimensional depending on how well they know me. I do know that I have a dry sense of humor and people don’t always get my jokes. My friends do tell me that I have an easy smile.

I find that I really look forward to two completely different things. I really anticipate my trips to Disneyworld. I love the feel of the place, the enthusiasm, the “let’s all have some fun” attitude there. I love teaching Adult Education at church, leading and being on team at prison retreats and Cursillos.

The most significant emotional event in my life was the loss of my friend and wife of 30 years in December 2009. While we knew it was coming as she battled a disease for 11 years, it was still a blow. I miss her more than I can describe.

Spiritual Autobiography - Part 3 - Education and Employment

Throughout my school years, I was always a bit of an outsider. I was too clumsy to be an athlete, too square to be cool and frankly a bit of a teacher’s pet. I had friends to hang around with in school and as I grew older, at their house or mine. I was in band and chorus in junior and senior high school. I was also on the A/V team and to this day dabble in A/V. I had the opportunity to attend the local Catholic high school, but passed it up for the public school. So, the only formal religious education I had in these years was weekly CCD at my parish.

In high school, I discovered that I was very good at chemistry and liked it. A variant of that, chemical engineering, became my major in college. I graduated with a BS in that field. College was a wonderful time to find myself, not so wonderful a time to get good grades. I did well in my major, but did not apply myself to the electives. I was very busy teaching astronomy in the planetarium (20+ hours a week). I was also playing the organ at the Newman Center Sunday liturgies. I spent a lot of my spare time with the members of the Newman Center folk group. My future wife was a guitarist in that group. When I went back for my M.S. in computer science many years later, I had a much more serious attitude towards learning and did quite well in my studies

My lack of discipline at college presented some job search problems. I was rejected by dozens of major companies and finally started at a small leather manufacturing company in Maine. Two years later, after Carmen and I married, my seventeen year tenure with Digital Equipment started. Over the last thirty plus years of employment, I’ve been an individual contributor and a supervisor. I’ve loved many of my jobs, tolerated one or two and only disliked one. I guess the one job that I disliked was at a time when Carmen was having serious medical issues. My manager was a few years out of college and did not support the flexibility I needed as a caregiver.

In almost every job, I’ve ended up as the unofficial leader. I’m the person co-workers come to when they need to talk or need advice. I’m OK with that. I’ve been a supervisor; it is not a fun job in today’s corporate environment.

Spiritual Autobiography - Part 2 - Relationships

I make friends slowly. My mother always said, “You can count your friends on one hand.” I think I have lived by that idiom. I have many acquaintances, but only a few true friends.

I have one friend as a neighbor, but the rest of my friends are people from my parish in the next town. We see each other a couple of times a week and that helps to build the relationship. They have been there for me and I for them in times of trouble in our lives. They encourage me and correct me and help me to be a better person.

I have both male and female friends and acquaintances. I have had many platonic relationships with women. In retrospect, I don’t see a lot of difference in my relationships between men and women. Our discussion and activities may vary based on our mutual interests, but the respect and affection for each of them is similar.

I am comfortable with my own sexuality. It is part of me, but the “eros” in me does not control my life. I see friendship as being prevalent in my relationships. My wife and I started off as acquaintances, moved to friendship, and then fell in love. Even when we had difficulties as husband and wife, we still had our friendship to fall back upon.

Spiritual Autobiography - Part 1 - Family

I grew up as the youngest of three in South Portland, Maine. This house was my family home from the time I was born until well after I graduated from college. I was younger than my next sibling by almost ten years, so I watched and learned a lot from them. My sister, the oldest, was a second mother to me. We were not rich by any means, but I never wanted for the basics in life. There were no children my age in the immediate neighborhood, so I learned how to entertain myself. I remember looking forward to times when neighbor’s relatives would visit and I could play with kids my own age. Looking back, I would say I had a normal, happy childhood. There were hiccups in life, of course, but nothing that I recall that shook my world.

Religion was present in the house. Mom was a cradle Catholic and Dad converted to marry her. The cross was hanging in many rooms. Grace was the norm before dinner, but I don’t recall it before any other meal. We did go to Mass every Sunday and on Holy Days. My brother and I were both altar servers. I wanted to play the organ at Mass and did start doing that in Junior High.

My parents were both great. I was closer to my Mom while Dad was the more distant provider. They rarely had to punish me as I learned what not to do from my older siblings. I’ve always had a good relationship with both of my parents. I’ve been able to talk to them about almost anything. Our family was not great about showing emotion, but over the years we have broken down those barriers. We always greet and depart now with a hug. Saying, “I Love You” is common now as well. My mother developed Alzheimer’s several years ago and passed away in July 2010. Dad and I have become good friends during this time. He visits often and we phone on a regular basis.

Progess to report

My references have told me that they are receiving their letters from the vocation office. 

I got an email from Fr. H. telling me to contact 2 other priests and set up interviews with them...

The Application

Just a quick update on the application.

I have most of the details processed.  I still have the base application form, a CORI form, a medical report and an essay to deal with.  The application form is mostly complete, the CORI form is filled out.  I still need to call my doctor to assist in the medical report and start the essay.

The Application

I dropped 75% or so of the application in the mail this afternoon.    I still have some items to follow up on.
I hope to have almost everything into the vocation office by early next week.

I wrote up my spiritual autobiography and had my friends P&A give it a quick review.   They found a couple of confusing sentences and typos, but in general, it was mailed in as I initially wrote it.

Once the Vocation Office has everything, there should be some interviews with priests attached to the Vocation office.

Chapel at Blessed John

I wanted to share this image with you.  It is a panoramic picture of the Chapel at Blessed John the XXIII Seminary  taken from the balcony.  

This is the chapel where I will be gathering with my brothers for morning prayer, daily Mass and evening prayer most days (presuming, of course, that I get accepted).

My prie-dieu

I am an amateur woodworker.  In my spare time over the last month or so, I've been building this prie-dieu.
I cannot say why, exactly.  I was just called to build it.  I tried to pray while I was working on it.  It is not perfect, but it is the work of my hands.  It is also a good place to get down on my knees every day and spend some time with God.

Doing my paperwork

The application process has a lot of paperwork:  to request, to fill out, to write.

In the days since I received the application package, I've:
- Read over the application form
- Started writing my spiritual autobiography
- Confirmed 5 of my 6 references with their mailing addresses
- Requested a copy of my Sacramental Records from my
     Baptismal parish up in Maine
- Requested a extra background check form that I need
     because I've lived outside of Massachusetts
- Printed out the transcript request forms for the
     University of Maine and Worcester Polytechnic Institute

Gentle Readers

Now, Gentle Readers (as the good Dr Asimov used to say),  we move to a new phase in the blog.  For the last 3 weeks I have been posting daily to catch you up and now you know a little bit about me and where I am in my journey.

While the blog may be titled "Seminarian on the Journey", perhaps it should be titled "Seminarian wanna be on the Journey."  I'm not a seminarian yet, but I hope to be one in September of 2011.  I hope to blog throughout my time there as well to give a flavor of the life to those interested. 

In the meantime, I'll keep you updated (on a less than daily basis) on my journey towards entering the seminary.  Feel free to share this blog with others and do keep me in your prayers.  As you have seen here, your prayers do work.

A red letter day

October 15th, 2010 will go down as a red letter day for me.  That was the day that I received my "Application for Sponsorship" from the Archdiocese of Boston.

Fr. H. and I met for an hour and he presented me the application folder (it's not really 2 inches thick) and discussed it's contents.  With my questions and his answers, the previous posts on this blog all stand as accurate, with one minor correction.  Here in Boston, the seminary also directs the summer program.

It will take up to three months to get the sponsorship of the bishop.  In this case, of course, that would be our Cardinal. Before that happens, there is an essay, a  spiritual autobiography and a list of references that I must provide.  Then there are interviews with two additional priests affiliated with the vocation office and psychological screening.  While that is going on, I'll be requesting educational transcripts and medical history from the appropriate sources. If sponsorship happens, the diocese will recommend me to Blessed John the XXIII Seminary and would be willing to pay room, board, tuition and health insurance premiums for the duration of my studies there.

God is good...all the time...

Leap of Faith

You may recall back in my vocation retreat post, that I talked about the seminarians and their leap of faith.  They quit their jobs, sold their houses and just followed the call.

Well, sometime over the summer, your prayers for me and my daily prayers worked their magic. I have no interest in keeping my house anymore.  It makes no sense when I'll only be here a few days every year.  I thought of moving to a nearby condominium, but that also does not make sense to me for the same reasons.

Here is the current plan.  Once I am in my first semester at the seminary; sell the house, buy a condominium in the town in Maine where my dad lives and move him from his apartment into the condominium. He will have a nice place to live in, I have a place to go on breaks and vacation.

Will you be commuting?

No, If accepted, I will be living at the seminary.  The seminary is a full time, live in institution.  It has a normal class schedule similar to most colleges with classes starting in September and ending in May.  There are typical vacations and breaks throughout the school year.

Academics are only one of the 4 pillars of formation.  The others are  Human, Spiritual and Pastoral.

As I understand it, each summer, the vocation director assigns the seminarian to a parish somewhere in the diocese for experience and room and board.  There are 2 weeks vacation before the next school year starts.

Three Steps

Based on my research and conversations I am anticipating a three step process before I enter the seminary.

Step 1) Get the approval of the vocation director and the application package.
Step 2) Submit the application package.  Do the interviews, psychological
            screenings, transcripts, etc. for the diocese.
            If the approve my package, then they submit the package to the
            seminary of their choice.
Step 3) Do the interviews, psychological screenings, transcripts, etc.
            for the seminary.   Get accepted there.

Money...

...is the root of all evil.  But it is also necessary to pay medical insurance, taxes, car loans, and a bunch of other things.

I made up a spreadsheet of all my yearly expenses with 3 options, keep the house empty, rent a room in the house and sell the house (as a last resort).  I ran the numbers, did my research, estimated costs and discovered that I could not afford any option but to sell the house.

I said, "God, I need $ mumble thousand or I cannot do this."   The next week, I got a letter from my employer telling me that I was now eligible for my pension if I retire from the company.  The next day, I got a letter from Social Security telling me Carmen's posthumous benefits were approved.  The total of the 2 checks?  $ mumble thousand + 35% for taxes.

God is good...all the time...

These little signs keep encouraging me that this is the path that God has chosen for me to walk.  He removes all obstacles from this path.

My Reading List

These are books that I have read.  The ones I found most useful in answering my questions are first
 
"To Save a Thousand Souls", Fr Brett Brannan
"The Collar: A year inside a Catholic Seminary", Jonathan Englert
"Could You Ever Become a Catholic Priest?", Christopher & Lorene Duquin
(I LOVE this cover!  I've done that!)

"I Will Give you Shepherds", John Paul II  
"Many Are Called", Scott Hahn
"Peter on the Shore",  Anthony Bannon
"The Diocesan Priest: Consecrated and Sent", Archbishop Timothy Dolan


Some books with a protestant perspective, but I found them quite educational:
"So you're thinking about going to the seminary", Derek Cooper
"What to expect in seminary: Theological education as spiritual formation", Virgina Cetuk

Timing

A frequent question I get is, "When will you be ordained?".  Well, nothing is cast in stone and my plan may not be God's plan, but it goes something like this.

There are a couple paths, but ithey both start like this: In the Fall of 2011, enter the Seminary.

A normal 4 year program will see me ordained as a transitional deacon in the summer of  2014 and as a priest in the summer of 2015. (I'll be 59) Completion of the 4 year program also results in a Masters of Divinity.

However, since I am such a geek and an engineer by training and nature, I may be asked to take a 5 year program.  The 1st year of that 5 year program is pre-theology, pre-philosophy, pre-everything.  The remaining 4 years are the same as the other track  This track will will see me ordained as a transitional deacon in the summer of  2015 and as a priest in the summer of 2016. (I'll be 60)

My dad, who is fast approaching 91, is hoping for the 4 year program.  I hope so too, but is seems likely that the 5 year program is in my path.  I'll get to practice my obedience to the bishop early if he says, "5 year".

The Divine Office

One of the things I (re)learned on the vocation retreat was The Divine Office.  In the back of my mind I knew that deacons and priests prayed this every day.  We did it in the chapel together on the retreat.

I have the books, why not try it?  Well, as they said on the retreat, "Ask 4 seminarians and you'll get 4 different sets of prayers shat should be said today."  Shorter Christian Prayer is a bit confusing.  But I found a way that works even better for me.  Reading it to myself leaves me without a tangible communitiy.

The Divine Office for iPod App is wonderful for me.  They pray the Morning Prayer on my morning commute and the Evening Prayer on my evening commute.  I say the responses as I can as I am driving.  Sure, some mornings I cannot remember a thing  I heard, but most of the time it's a great experience.  Some days, I have my book in hand in my living room and read along, but most of the time I just listen and respond.  The Invitatory, Office of Readings,  Midday prayer (text only) and Night Prayer are also available to me when I can get them in.

For those without an iPod (iPhone, iWhatever), just go to http://divineoffice.org/

 This cross is the one I selected for my wife's headstone.  At the time, I did not know why I picked this cross rather than any other cross that was offered as options.

I week or so later, I remembered that we has used this cross with the inmates in one of the prison retreats that we do.  I suspected that I had found the source of my inspiration.  But, I dug a little further.   What is this cross, it's not the Latin cross or the Celtic cross.  It's the Pectoral cross, also known as the Bishop's cross.  Wait, isn't a bishop a priest?  No, I have no aspirations to be a bishop, I picture myself as a parish priest.  But, I chose an ordained minister's cross for my wife's headstone.

To wrap up my cross story, I was leaving Fr Rasp after a spiritual direction session.  I saw something and froze in my tracks.  Planted in the ground, standing 8 feet tall, in front of his parish's church is a Bishop's cross. Wow, Fr. Rasp was indeed destined to be part of my journey.

Vows and Promises

Here is a question that came in from one of my readers.  Do feel free to question and comment either privately or by commenting on the blog.

Do you have to give up everything you've earned?  (i.e. Vow of Poverty)

The simplest answer is "no".  There are 2 types of priests, ordered priests (Jesuits, Franciscans, Oblates, etc.) and diocesan priests (your typical parish priest).    Ordered priests typically make 3 vows: Poverty, Chastity and Obedience.  Some orders only make 1 vow of Obedience and all else is covered in that one vow.

Diocesan priests typically make 2 promises:  Chastity and Obedience.  So, I can own things, I can keep my house and car.  I can draw on my 401K at the appropriate age.

A Spiritual Director

You may recall that Fr. H., the vocation director, told me to find a priest who can help me with spiritual direction.

Well, I could think of 3 priests immediately.
      and I eliminated them all just as fast.
My two parish priests are wonderful men,
      but I'm afraid that I'm the organist to them.
Another priest I know does direction, but also insists on being a confessor. 
       I don't think I want to mix those now.

Suddenly, I get an idea.  Ash Wednesday!  Fr. Rasp!    I call him, he is open to meeting to discuss the idea.  We meet, he even cooks dinner for me.   We talk for an hour or so.  We agree to take a month to pray about it and get back together. 

A month later, we meet again.  We both agree that it seems to be a good fit.    Woo hoo!  I have a spiritual director who is a priest.

Carmen's Kaleidescopes

Carmen had a collection of over 90 kaleidoscopes.   She had all types but there was one that I really liked. In fact, it is the only one that I am planning on keeping in her collection. (I've been passing some on to family, and her sister will get the bulk of the collection.)

It is made of glass and metal and when you look through it you see... a ever changing rose window.  It looks like the window in the back of my parish church.

Coincidence?

Are You Happy?

About a month before Carmen died, she asked me, "Are you happy?"

Let's see, my wife, companion and friend of 30 years was under home Hospice care, I could see her slowly fading.  No, I was not happy.

She asked, "When are you happy?"

I had to think about it...  I'm happy when I'm on a prison retreat with the inmates, when I teach adult education at church, when I am on a Cursillo retreat, when I play the organ at Mass.   I think I see a trend here, I'm happy when I am spreading God's love to others

I meet with the diocesan Vocation Director

Well, I've been dancing around the edges for a while now.  But I have not talked to anyone who can make this happen.  In April I meet with Fr H, the Vocation Director for the Boston Diocese.

It is a cordial, useful meeting.  I get a lot of information and walk away with an affirmation, a mandate and a reading list.

Affirmation: You seem to be a good candidate for the seminary (woo hoo!)
Mandate: Find a Spiritual Director who is also a priest
                 (oh no, I can't use P&A anymore)
Reading List: "I Will Give you Shepherds", John Paul II  
                      "To Save a Thousand Souls", Fr Brett Brannan

Words from my wife

Long before she died and even longer before she was sick, my wife made a statement to me.  This had to be fifteen to twenty years ago.

At the time, I pretty much laughed with her and probably agreed, but it is a memory that came flashing back to me.  I don't recall the exact conversation, but I do remember her words.

"If anything ever happens to me, I know I won't be jealous.  You won't get another wife, you'll just become a priest."

Ash Wednesday

I don't think I've mentioned that I am an organist at church.  I've been playing and singing for over 30 years now.  I was not on the schedule for Ash Wednesday at our parish (we're blessed with multiple keyboardists) , so when a call from a friend came in to cover at their church, I said yes.

I met Fr. "Rasp" there.  He was also a delayed vocation priest.  We had a very nice, but short conversation. I sure surprised my friend when I mentioned the priesthood, but she was very supportive as well. 

What are the odds?  I'm not scheduled for my parish for Ash Wednesday.  I've never covered a Mass in this other church before.  I get into a conversation with the Fr. "Rasp".  He is a delayed vocation.  Coincidence?  or the finger of God?

The Vocation Retreat

On February 1st and 2nd, I attended the vocation retreat at Blessed John the 23rd Seminary.  18 other men were joining me there.  Cardinal Law said the Mass and spoke to us afterward.   We're each assigned a seminarian to shadow for the rest of  Friday and Saturday.  I get "the canary".  That is not his real name, but that is what the other seminarians call him.  If he can make it through, they can.

Evening Prayer, Holy Hour, meals, dorm rooms, Morning Prayer, attending classes.  We experience one day's flow in the seminary.  It feels OK to me.  I think I can do this... 

We have down time to just talk to the seminarians.  All of these seminarians are delayed vocations.  I ask about some practical matters. They quit their jobs, sold their homes, and made the leap of faith to follow the call.  I am amazed.  Suddenly, I'm not so sure that I can make that leap of faith...

I tell people what I am thinking

I started telling people what I was thinking.  Amazingly, nobody is surprised. (that surprised me).  My dad loves the idea.  My brother called me and we talked for 45 minutes (that was a record length for us).  He who-has-not-been-in-a-church-for-30 years is very supportive.

Some people think that I am talking about the diaconate.  They seem a but surprised when I say, "No, the priesthood", but then it clicks for them.  I'm widowed now.  I can do that.

My two best friends at church, a married couple, P&A are also very supportive.  These two folks have acted as my spiritual advisers, in an unofficial capacity, for the last 25 years.  I have come to respect their knowledge and opinions.  That they see this path as a viable option for me means a great deal.

A visit to my parish priest

It seemed that I needed to talk to somebody about this, so I went to my parish priest.  We are fortunate enough to have two and one of them was a delayed vocation.  He seemed like the right place to start.

He was very encouraging and as luck would have it, a vocation retreat was coming up in a few weeks.  He got me enrolled in the weekend.  Wow, this is going smoothly. 

In my life, I have found that when things are going smoothly, it means I am following a path that is good for me.  If obstacles start popping up, then perhaps God is sending messages that this is not the correct path.  Smooth is good!

A door opened...

Many times in my life I thought about becoming a priest.  Every time, something else took priority.  In Junior High, I choose not to go the Catholic High School.  After High School, I choose to major in Chemical Engineering at college.  In college, I met Carmen and that, as they say, was that.

Now, I find myself widowed and in my mid 50's.  Is it crazy to be thinking about 4 years in a seminary and becoming a priest?  I see 2 paths in my life. 

1) Continue working for another 7 or 8 years and retire.  Then what? 
2) Follow God's call and see where it leads me.   If this is crazy, I'll soon find out.

A door closed...

On December 6th, 2009 @ 6:33 P.M., my wife Carmen died. 

My companion, friend, and partner of over 30 years was no longer physically present in my life. This was not completely unexpected.  She had been ill for 11 years.  It still hurt, it still does at times.

Carmen's death opened up new possibilities in my life.   A week later, the proverbial "two by four" hit me in the side of the head.  I could explore that quiet call that I had been hearing most of my life.